Fate written otherwise

 Oh to be in love

                              

To randomly think of him and smile  

Seeing the shirts that will suit him best in a store

To think he's with me in everything I do

To dream he's hugging me to sleep

To think he's here with me and saying to me 

"Everything is gonna end well"

I know this won't happen in the near future 

But I want it to  

I find his footprints next to me on the beach

I would lose it all to make him fall in love with me

When I hear the waves, I remember him

I remember the last time I laughed with my full heart 

It torments me, his absence..............

TO HIM....

 It’s all the same, isn't it  

different font different appearance 

it always came back to one thing 

I am trying to move on love

it’s not easy for me 

to be loved by you 

To live in your memories the warmth that you gave.

Now I am so cold, there is no warmth on the cold nights

th warmth only you can give me 

am forever lost in pain and anguish 

waiting for the season where we’re going find each other 

I know there is no coming back 

but my heart wants to hear that 

Whenever I hear a notification sound on my phone

I rush to pick it up just to realise it’s not yours and it never will be 

I manage to think about you every day even when I don’t want to

maybe living in a faraway country doesn’t make this easy love

it just makes things worse

when am I gonna be loved exactly like the way you did

you were all that I needed in my life

but just like it, every good thing in my life has an expiry 

the same way how you decided to step out of my life.....................

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FEELING BLUE

On a fine day, life feels exhausting 

the energy to live 

the energy to love are all fact leaving me 

it feels so hard just to be myself

I feel like I haven’t been myself lately

it feels like this year I changed into a different person

people who knew me before would relate to me better

I became approachable 

I became confident 

became happy 

still, there’s this void in me that torments me 

till today

those days when I was trapped helpless

I overcame those 

still some unwanted memories 

haunt me

this year made me understand a lot more than what I see

A shoulder to lean on to cry is all that I crave 

but it is so hard to depend on someone

scared of what he would think

scared of thinking 

am I too much

scared that he’ll leave me if I show my vulnerability

mentally I want to be easier 

but it’s so hard to trust to love 

to be vulnerable

all I ever heard from my past acquaintances 

those words torment me today 

how much he said I am the problem

Sometimes in love we are too blind to notice

the red flags of our love

when people who see it warn us 

we often doesn’t mind them 

we try to push them away for love

we never know what awaits us 

whom to trust who not to

we are blind and dumb in love

we often see the best in our patners than their flaws

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I was never the one that everyone choose

I was the one they chose first 

but still, proceed to go with the next

there’s always someone that they choose over me

someone who they are gonna treat well

someone they’ll change all their morals for

never in my life can I love a man so much as him 

but in return, he gave me fear 

of abandonment,

expressing myself became tough for me

 

Imagination

 Imagination 

The smell of you is fading in my mind 

I am drawn to it but I held back 

I love the way you look at me 

The love and lust in your eyes 

I remember the times when you held me close

We used to dream of a future together

Just us making a family

With lot of love and nothing but love 

The promises that was kept at bay 

Empty promises felt good for a long time

Just like all the other men, are you leaving me in the dirt 

When you said you couldn't keep your hands in control

When ur eyes said all you want to do was to see, get lost in me 

I believed you I gave me to you trusting you 

I was just a choice for you, not the only option

Your words soothed my scars which bled a long time 

I didn't know they meant nothing to you

You just wanted me for nothing but my body 

You never even said I love you 

I was a fool to love you knowing all these 

I need you 

Whenever I miss you, I remember those things 

You said those things you made made me wanna feel it

I always remember the time we talked for hours

With nothing to say, we just enjoyed the silence that stayed between us 

Just like the distance between a period and a new sentence

The silence said a lot of things that you could never say to me 

The silence between your words said that you needed me 

You needed my love 

The silence was indeed long enough to make me forget who I am 

The silence grew stronger and deeper and eventually

It said 'you are a burden'

But what

I listened to the silence between your love 

Which asked me to stay, never regret 

The best franquil memories of us 

The smell of your shirt

The nights we had together 

The moment we owe each other to get back again and again 

I never regret loving you 

Cause you loved me like no one else 

U presented me the best memories of us for me to grieve on  

Losing myself while loving him

Babe am standing at the doorstep of your heart.

For the moment you let me in

Without seeking answers to "Is she the one or"

While looking out for yourself, in the past hurt

You are hurting me 

Every word you say 

wounds deep in my heart

The wounds are live and the hurt still remains

After you find all your answers maybe then you will realize

just like how everyone did 

after going from my life

hitting a certain point in life they realize 

damn that girl actually loved me

By that time it'll be so late 

and she might not be 

the same person you loved before

I am that 'in-between'' person

the one you think is the one for you

but you'll choose another person over me

it always happened and it will continue 

I always end up ruining myself in all that hurt 

I end up killing myself while healing people

I healed a lot of people and they 

mentally ruin me ...

                                                                                                                               01/03/2024