TO HIM....

 It’s all the same, isn't it  

different font different appearance 

it always came back to one thing 

I am trying to move on love

it’s not easy for me 

to be loved by you 

To live in your memories the warmth that you gave.

Now I am so cold, there is no warmth on the cold nights

th warmth only you can give me 

am forever lost in pain and anguish 

waiting for the season where we’re going find each other 

I know there is no coming back 

but my heart wants to hear that 

Whenever I hear a notification sound on my phone

I rush to pick it up just to realise it’s not yours and it never will be 

I manage to think about you every day even when I don’t want to

maybe living in a faraway country doesn’t make this easy love

it just makes things worse

when am I gonna be loved exactly like the way you did

you were all that I needed in my life

but just like it, every good thing in my life has an expiry 

the same way how you decided to step out of my life.....................

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FEELING BLUE

On a fine day, life feels exhausting 

the energy to live 

the energy to love are all fact leaving me 

it feels so hard just to be myself

I feel like I haven’t been myself lately

it feels like this year I changed into a different person

people who knew me before would relate to me better

I became approachable 

I became confident 

became happy 

still, there’s this void in me that torments me 

till today

those days when I was trapped helpless

I overcame those 

still some unwanted memories 

haunt me

this year made me understand a lot more than what I see

A shoulder to lean on to cry is all that I crave 

but it is so hard to depend on someone

scared of what he would think

scared of thinking 

am I too much

scared that he’ll leave me if I show my vulnerability

mentally I want to be easier 

but it’s so hard to trust to love 

to be vulnerable

all I ever heard from my past acquaintances 

those words torment me today 

how much he said I am the problem

Sometimes in love we are too blind to notice

the red flags of our love

when people who see it warn us 

we often doesn’t mind them 

we try to push them away for love

we never know what awaits us 

whom to trust who not to

we are blind and dumb in love

we often see the best in our patners than their flaws

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I was never the one that everyone choose

I was the one they chose first 

but still, proceed to go with the next

there’s always someone that they choose over me

someone who they are gonna treat well

someone they’ll change all their morals for

never in my life can I love a man so much as him 

but in return, he gave me fear 

of abandonment,

expressing myself became tough for me

 

Imagination

 Imagination 

The smell of you is fading in my mind 

I am drawn to it but I held back 

I love the way you look at me 

The love and lust in your eyes 

The way you look at me the power of your eyes that look at me like it want to tear me apart 

The thirst you had when u look at me 

I remember the times when you held me close

We used to dream of a future together

Just us making a family

With lot of love and nothing but love 

The promises that was kept at bay 

Empty promises felt good for a long tym

Just like all the other men are you leaving me in the dirt 

When you said you couldn't keep your hands in control

When ur eyes said all you want to do was to see get lost in me 

I beleived you I gave me to you trusting you 

I was just a choice for you not the only option

You words soothed my scars which bled a long tym 

I didn't know they meant nothing to you

You just wanted me for nothing but my body 

You never even said I love you 

I was a fool to love you knowing all these 

I need you 

Whenever I miss you I remember those things 

You said those thing you made made me wanna feel it

I always remember the time we talked for hours

With nothing to say we just enjoyed the silence that stayed between us 

Just like the distance between a period and a new sentence

The silence said a lot of things that you could never say to me 

The silence between your words said that you needed me 

You needed my love 

The silence was indeed long enough to make me forget who I am 

The silence grew stronger and deeper and eventually

It said 'you are a burden'

But what

I listened to the silence between your love 

Which asked me to stay never regret 

The best franquil memories of us 

The smell of your shirt

The nights we had together 

The moment we owe each other to get back again and again 

I never regret loving you 

Cause you loved me like no one else 

U presented me the best memories of us for me to grieve on  

2023

2023

The constant fear of something bad is gonna happen 

cause happiness has never been a constant in my life

happiness just comes like an uninvited guest 

who leaves without a proper closure

there is me who is actually in between this

whether to be happy or to be sad is always left to me 

but I blame god or maybe people 

I want some happiness to be left as it is

unwavered

the worst thing is some shit happens after every beautiful memory

I hope that doesn’t happen.

life has always made me lost, alone, unloved

that too by people whom I love with all my heart

I have never ever been the first priority 

not to anyone

Never been the main character in my own life 

life fucks you up in totally different ways 

it’s a movie plot 

my 2023 was a whole film 

where a lot of shit happened 

where people did me shit

where people recognised after doing shit 

where I learnt to be alone

to move on from a huge breakup

where I had my first kiss

and where my second kiss was the most meaningful and deserving 

I know I romanticize stuff 

that’s me 

love has taught me a lot this year 

a painful love

a lustful love

and finally a peaceful love 

all 3 happened in the same here 

I had myself controlled at times 

but there were times I totally lost myself 

my kind of love is the old-school romance 

the one we hold hands 

look at each other for hours 

the GVM type of love 

or maybe the maniratnam love

I dont know if I am gonna get those but 

I still hope that happen 

whenever wherever however 

I wanna have some precious people 

I met this year to be with me 

next year as well as in the coming years 

Losing myself while loving him

Babe am standing at the doorstep of your heart.

For the moment you let me in

Without seeking answers to "Is she the one or"

While looking out for yourself, in the past hurt

You are hurting me 

Every word you say 

wounds deep in my heart

The wounds are live and the hurt still remains

After you find all your answers maybe then you will realize

just like how everyone did 

after going from my life

hitting a certain point in life they realize 

damn that girl actually loved me

By that time it'll be so late 

and she might not be 

the same person you loved before

I am that 'in-between'' person

the one you think is the one for you

but you'll choose another person over me

it always happened and it will continue 

I always end up ruining myself in all that hurt 

I end up killing myself while healing people

I healed a lot of people and they 

mentally ruin me ...

                                                                                                                               01/03/2024